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My IM essay thesis


FRANKLIN
(@gardella)
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Hey everyone, I was late to turning in my thesis for Eli Review. Can anyone offer me some feedback?

The fame that IM receives upon arrival into the Brotherhood and how he treats his subordinates, like Mary, is comparable to how Bledsoe treated IM at the beginning, by expelling him out of the school to not damage his own reputation, reveals that despite any previous hatred IM still looks up to Bledsoe in many aspects of dealing with stardom but can't when dealing with instances like Wrestrum's claims in Chapter 18, because no one lower would ever expose Bledsoe because of the respect he has garnered from others.

Thank you!


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Delphine
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I think you have a really solid thesis. Your ideas seem well supported. I like the idea in general as well. Speaking on IM's relationship with Blesdoe is a great way to connect IM's experiences to the many symbols of the book in general. I think you could have a lot to say in your piece with this thesis, because it's very complex and there are many symbols in the book that can help you support it. Nice job!


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Nicole
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My initial thought is that it needs to be broken up. It looks like you tried to fit several sentences into one big one. Breaking it up into several shorter sentences will help the reader follow it along better. And what exactly is the symbol you will talk about in your essay? Is it the fame? Are you going to talk about how IM treats people? It's not bad, I just think a tad more specificity will make your essay stronger. I like the connection you made between IM's mindset in responding to fame and his admiration for Bledsoe. I think using Wrestrum as an example is also a good connection, but I think examples may be better placed in body paragraphs without sacrificing insight to the meaning of the symbol or motif in the thesis. Let me clarify in case that last sentence was confusing: Be specific in your thesis (which you are) without getting too far into all the examples where the meaning plays out, because you will have the opportunity to elaborate in your body paragraphs. Lastly, regarding the last part of your thesis: does this offer insight on how the fame/IM's behaviors in response to that fame explain the theme of the novel as a whole? I think offering the analysis from IM's POV/how it impacted IM will be more effective than making Bledsoe the object of the thought--which I think just a little rewording will suffice to say the same thing, just related to IM throughout the book rather than Bledsoe. Good start! I really hope my feedback was helpful!


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Gil
 Gil
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Alright so my main problem I have with this is that I don't quite understand the theme you are connecting this to. Is it that everyone admires Bledsoe? First off, I would strive to make your theme about more of a "concept", such as race, identity, power, etc. The essay shouldn't be just the novel, it should be larger than that. Also, the essay should be about a motif, a thing that you can zero in on. Take the cheesecake for example, someone can point at that and say "the cheesecake on top of the coffee symbolizes the power whites have over blacks!" Sure, that is very, very basic and of course that is just a simple example, but hopefully you understand what I mean. In short, I would recommend that your essay focuses on a symbol and apply that symbol to a larger theme. If I was not clear, and you have any questions or you revise the thesis I'd be happy to respond. I hope this was helpful.


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Anonymous Parrot
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@gil I'm going to agree with what @gil has said. Maybe pick out an item that Ellison describes whenever Bledsoe is mentioned in the book like his gold watch. The point is, if you find a singular symbol/ motif to focus on, your thesis will become exponentially. I personally struggle with this specificity aspect so I totally get it!


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abuzz
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@aaparrot I agree as well. If your motif that you want to dissect is the "treatment" IM has faced, I would turn that into the larger theme of the work and make your symbol a much smaller scale. I would also add that your thesis sentence should be straight to the point, but provide a nuanced meaning that you will be able to uncover through your body paragraphs. Right now it is a bit long. With all of these ideas in one sentence its seems as though you could actually dive deeper into each part of this and turn them into separate sentences that construct your entire opening paragraph.


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Madams43
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I think this is a pretty strong thesis. It's really complex and it looks like you'd have a lot of connections to make with it. My main piece of advice would be to be a bit more clear about which motif you're wanting to focus on and how that specific one ties into the larger theme. 

 


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Jackson Von Habsburg
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I think that you have strong thesis . I think that you really went above and beyond with the concept of the thesis statement.the only this is I think you need to make it a bit more clear . I need a more clear line which connects all the points which you are making. I think the end needs is a strong thesis sentences which bring all the point of your paragraph together 


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username27
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I think you already have a really strong thesis. However, like many people on this forum, I think you need a stronger connection between each of your points and maybe explain your motif a little more explicitly. There was just so much packed in to the sentences that I did not get the clearest take away from it. Otherwise, I think you are really on the right track to a great thesis!


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wildsalmon
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I agree with all of the above, especially that your focus is too broad. When I was searching for a topic I got a good feel for the types of things that felt good to try, and I found "concepts" like the feelings of a character are so much harder to pin down than a real, concrete symbol. A lot of the nebulous concepts are represented by a symbol anyways, so it's not usually an issue of rethinking your topic. I don't know if this rephrasing helps, but it's worth keeping in mind. 


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Conster
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@gardella

I like the overall idea/concept a lot. The thing I am questioning is what your symbol exactly is. With this thesis you need to go into as specific of a point as you can get to. So you need to state a specific symbol in a specific instance, then do that stretching of meaning/interpretation. Also I think you need to break it into a couple different sentences.


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savhoisington
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I agree with many others in that you have a good foundation, but you could really benefit from more specificity. It is a little unclear exactly what the point you will be arguing for is, and I think you could also benefit by clearly stating your symbol as well. Like @nicole said, if you break it up and keep your language clear and concise you can make it much more powerful and effective! 


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FRANKLIN
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Thank you everyone! Have a great break.


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