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- 3+ Weeks of Credit: abuzz, xwing37, aplitstudent123, MangoMan,
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The (Im)possibility of Forgiveness
@nikki I think this is a super important point. When someone does something wrong to the point it requires forgiveness, forgiveness shouldn't be given so easy that they would make the same mistake again. This is something most parents try to teach their children. They give the forgiveness, but explain the consequences for possible what could have happened or what will happen if they make the same mistake again. Also, giving forgiveness is still very important like you mentioned, and holding a grudge or refusing to forgive a person in most cases will hurt you more than them in the long run.
@nikki, I agree, I think having a forgive and forget attitude isn't good for either of the people in the relationship. The person who needs to forgive should forgive them but they shouldn't forget. I almost feel like the person who was affected should hold the person who made the mistake to a higher standard so they don't make that mistake again. I also think that the person should have to earn back trust. Because when you forgive and forget I feel like you can get walked all over. So if you have them earn the trust back it will actually be meaningful instead of a simple "I won't do it again".
@xwing37 Exactly! I strongly believe that if you forgive someone, you don't have to forget about the situation and how it made you feel. Your feelings are still valid, and can remain valid until you are ready to let them go. I feel like forgiving and forgetting can maybe spur up problems in the future, because you weren't actually ready to move on from the situation in the first place.
@bunkymoo Also, forgiving and forgetting is throwing away a critical part of the relationship between the two people. It's rejecting change and essentially asserting that you don't want the dynamic to change no matter what. There are times when it can definitely work, but I can't think of many scenarios you should forgive and forget without either a) having already gotten over it, thus leading back to the possibility or b) completely pushing your feelings aside for someone else, which is a whole other issue.
@nikki I guess the real question is where do you find that balance. For everyone that is a common struggle, unless you can find a way to never get wronged and always have honest relationships between people you might meet. Now toughing on the topic of forgive and forget I think in my opinion that it is a terrible way to live. Yes in some circumstances this is acceptable, but I find that often people use this to much and it eventually destroys their mental health because they still have these things on their mind after they have been long gone because they decided to just "forget" about what happened.
@stella Yes. It may be easier to forgive others. When trying to be forgiving of yourself, it may seem harder because you are more upset when you’re not happy with something you have done. If it is someone else, you can just shut them out. When it is yourself, you can’t escape it. That’s what makes it the hardest.
@xmysterio, that's true. Often it is much harder to ignore yourself than it is someone else. Your thoughts are always there; also, I feel that you are more likely to listen to yourself than you are someone else. If you truly feel you are at fault for something, that guilt is hard to escape.
@stella I agree as well. Maybe not easy to 'ignore' someone else but it is easier to forgive yourself when you hear that you have been forgiven. Your actions towards a person don't necessarily harm you other than the guilt you feel afterwards. But, the guilt only stems from the fact that you hurt them, so it they have forgiven it, it is basically taking your guilt away and therefore allows you to forget about it and move on. Even if they are still upset on the inside, you have know way of knowing anything they do not tell you. When you can not forgive yourself, or even if you try to, you know that your true thoughts are still upset with what you did, so knowing that makes it much more difficult to move on
@stella This is for sure true. You're always surrounded by your thoughts and things that remind you of things you're trying to forget about yourself. Ignoring someone else can be a challenge sometimes depending on the nature of the relationship, but ignoring your self or your own thoughts is much harder because you're stuck with yourself.
@stella It is a lot of back and forth when forging an opinion that isn't your own. By acting as another individual you are creating a lot of conflict with yourself. Rather than ignoring this you should confront yourself.
@nikki You bring up some super good points here. Who would have thought that forgiveness was such a deep thing! Well I suppose that that is the problem, everyone thinks that forgiveness is an easy and simple thing but in reality, it is not so simple. I like your point that when forgiving, either side of the forgiving is left unsatisfied or still hurting. Maybe this feeds into the point that derrida says, that we should just forget about forgiving, especially for small things that just hurt our feelings a little bit.
@savhoisington, do you think that someone forgiving you absolves you of responsibility for the wrong you committed? I feel like you may be more likely to repeat negative behaviors if you have been forgiven and are therefore forgiven of all guilt. I guess that's where "forgive but not forget" comes from.
@snowyyeti That kind of begs the question, then: if forgiving is so unfulfilling for all parties involved, how come it's still around? Why do we still have this concept if it's broken on a surface level? I guess it only comes up once you deconstruct the concept, so the flaws have to be a little deeper, I suppose.
@snowyyeti Forgiveness seems like a broken promise. I see one end the forgiver possibly forgiving because they feel that they need to, not because they actual forgive the person who did the wrongdoing. This may leave a larger burden on the individual and the relationship of the two parties because of the dissatisfaction that came with the somewhat forced forgiving. It may be that the blame falls on the forgiver, but many of us have been conditioned to forgive which leads me to think that Derrida is onto something--- that forgiveness should be forgotten.
@snowyyeti When you say forgiveness is such a deep thing, do you mean that for everything? I feel like it can really vary you know? If someone bumps into you and you drop a book they say oh my bad, you say it's all good. But let's say something horrible happens like they accidently hurt your pet or something, you aren't gonna be so forgiving I guarantee you. Forgiveness works in so many different ways and I think it really has to do with your emotional attachment to whatever was damaged enough to need forgiveness.
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